Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Shocking Scientific Breakthough!

As regular readers of Café Philos know all too well, we pride ourselves on pushing the boundaries of what an internet café does with its naturally vast resources of money and manpower. And unlike other internet cafés, we deliver. For instance, we were the first internet café to bring you full frontal gratuitous nudity. The first café to shun acceptable standards for English prose (see any of our 246 posts!). And the first café to accuse Bush of loosing the war. Well, now we've done it again!

In a remarkable first for any blog -- let alone an internet caf
é -- we have become the first to conduct original scientific research!

Yup! You heard us right! Original scientific research! Today we're ready to publish for the first time anywhere the results of that research. Here it is:

We have spent the previous three months surveying a vast number of respondents about their sex lives, asking a variety of questions designed to elicit frank and honest answers. Questions such as, "Do you have a sex life?" "Is it any good?" And, "What color is it?" We are pleased to announce that our efforts have led us to a major scientific breakthrough such as is normally made only by highly trained and qualified scientists. Namely, we have discovered a remarkable statistic: Fully 100% of our respondents were virgins before the first time they had sex!

Those of you are not steeped as we are in the scientific method might not at first grasp the sheer novelty of this amazing discovery. In science, nothing ever, ever comes out 100%. It's always 63% or 79% or some other fraction of 100%. Yet, we've both checked and rechecked our raw data and, indeed, 100% of our respondents were virgins before the first time they had sex.

Furthermore, there is, in our professional opinion, only one logical conclusion to be drawn from that statistic: We have here absolute proof that virginity causes sex.

This is a scientific breakthrough of the first magnitude. One with remarkable implications for social policies and family planning. So far as we know, we're the first researchers to discover the cause for sex. But now that we've discovered it, we can safely say science has taken a huge leap forward. As has blogging.


Anonymous said...

No, no, no. Everyone knows virginity is only the proximate cause. Since all virgins were born, brith must be the ultimate cause. No, wait,.... Birth was caused by....

Oh. My. God. It must be sex that causes sex! Maybe it's like a perpetual motion machine and the answer to sustainable energy -- but obviously not clean energy.

Paul said...

Yet it's a kind of energy source we can all take a position on creating, Anon!