Sunday, April 01, 2007

I Am Inconsolable

I have been sobbing for hours. Last night, I was engaged in a romantic moment with my Acme Latex Love Doll when I was abruptly blown across the room, against the wall, and to the floor.

At first, I thought she'd had her first orgasim, for I've heard that with some women the contractions can be quite forceful. I checked myself out and found I was unscathed, except that her boobie tassels were shallowly embedded in my chest. I stumbled back to our bed, and that's when I saw to my shock and horror that my Acme Latex Love Doll had distintegrated into more than a hundred lifeless pieces.

For perhaps an hour, I sat stunned on the bed fruitlessly trying to match her pieces back together again. It was beyond all hope, but in my shock, I could do nothing else. Then my memory began returning to me. Finally, I grasped the events which had occured immediately prior to her fatal explosion. I cannot...I will never be able to...adequately describe the emotions that surged within me when I realized my Acme Latex Love Doll had been done in by an all too passionate love bite, which I myself had inflicted on her! She had trusted me! And I had returned her trust by murdering her.

I was filled with self-loathing, remorse and guilt. I don't know how long I sat there numb with the realization that I had killed my lover, but eventually I came to my senses and realized that I must turn myself in. So, I called 911. In tears, I confessed the whole thing to the operator. I held back no detail, even though I knew I was convicting myself of homicide. I begged the operator to send the police to arrest me.

That was hours ago, and the police still haven't shown up. (Does anyone care about homicide in this town?) Yet, I expect to hear their sirens and screeching tires at any moment. I have not tried to clean up my beloved's remains. I want to do nothing to disturb the evidence of my crime. What future do I have without her, anyway?

April Fools!


jacquie4000 said...

This was so great I copied it for my co-workers to read this morning.

George said...

Reminded me of this old news story. ;-)

Paul said...

That story's hilarious! Thanks, George!

Anonymous said...

Love it!Only you could write that, and make it compelling, and fun.